There are days when I really wish I could communicate in French as me.
I'm never sure that what I'm saying really corresponds with what I'm trying to say. I search for words and phrases to express myself, but I know that I'm falling short in so many ways and it makes me feel very lost and isolated.
I've made huge progress with my French over 5 years, but I still am not convinced my French friends here 'get' me sometimes. The ease and familiarity I find with other native English speakers is something I don't think I'll ever truely have within my French. There are two or three exceptions to this, and I cling to them and their friendship like a drowning man.
Yesterday afternoon, we spent some time with another French friend and her kids that we hadn't seen for a while. We enjoyed ourselves completely, but driving home, all I wanted to do was contact my closest friends from the English speaking world.
I don't know why, but having coffee and chatting away with her made me miss the closeness I've had with my friends in my own language. Of course, I tried phoning a sister in the US but our lovely telephone service that comes from Italy somehow wouldn't connect to a line across the ocean.
I was beginning to see the waves crashing all around me, pulling me deeper into the water. It was roughly about this point that Hubster got home from w0rk.
Sometimes I complain that even though Hubster and I both speak English, we don't speak the same English. There are times when our phrases and choices of words don't make sense to the other Anglo-phone. But we at least have a common base. Normally, we get there in the end.
And normally, Hubster gets me. And on days like yesterday, I thank God for that and the way he maneuvers the lifeboat.