Thursday, January 10, 2008

A Long Night

It's been a while since I've had one of my panic attacks about death. I used to get them more often, but in the recent years, I seemed to have grown out of them.

I can vividly remember my two most difficult attacks. One was when I was in college. My one of my lovely roommates stayed up with me hours, watching me pace around our living room, muttering and blubbering about the futility of it all. The second one happened when I was living in Aspen and I made the mistake of watching the movie Alive. Again, I stayed up most of the night, pacing around our condo while my friend sat there making sure I didn't do anything stupid.

Since I've been with Hubster and had the kids, I haven't had these attacks very often. Perhaps it's because I'm too busy to dwell on what I can't control or it's that I see, upclose, the beauty in life everyday.

That being said, I am worried today. I'm anxious for my loved-one's loved one who faces a long battle today against an enemy who's strength is hidden.

I'm not sure how make anything better in this situation and I could sense these feelings of helplessness and fear creeping into my subconsciousness as I worried about it last night. Plus, watching two documentaries about death and illness last night didn't help. Nor did reading Mark Twain's 'The Mysterious Stranger' this past week.

Huster realized that I wasn't getting settled to sleep and asked what was going on. I quickly told him I was fighting off a panic attack about death and helplessness.

He paused for a second and then replied,

"But you're not dead."

Good point.

And neither is my loved-one's loved one.

I think I'll try and remember the quote from The Shawshank Redemption, "get busy living, or get busy dying." I've got to stop worrying about what I can't control.

I need to not let the unknown scare me.

I need to stop watching late night tv.

I need to send all my love and thoughts to my loved-one and her loved one.


magali said...

Seeing people around us facing difficult situations can trigger anxiety.
I could recommand watching one of the kids movies before going to bed tonight, but not really sure it would help.
You can not alleviate your friend or friend's loved one situation but you can show them you are there for them, that you care.
And hug your little people and furry ones. They are a good, positive thing in your life.

As for DH's answer... it is totally him ;)

Love you, take care

Sue said...

Prayers for Jerry on this day. He's got an August date with an alter that may make him more motivated to live...

Sue said...


Dig said...

Hey, I knew what you meant. Man, I've never been so worried about someone I've only met once...but if KK loves him, enough said. Plus, he helped me buy wine in a sketchy drugstore in DC!

Sue said...

That wasn't a sketchy drug store but a CVS in Roslyn VA...which certainly can't be construed as being located in a sketchy part of town. I think your perspective was a bit skewed by the wine. Anyhow, Jerry did help you and we did get wine. He's really a nice guy...and KK loves him!

Dig said...

I call it sketchy because of the toilet! It was behind the stock area, cornered off by a curtain!!! LOL

Dig said...

And an update on loved-one's loved one: He came through the surgery in excellent form. The news has all been good and we are so relived. Here's hoping that continues to be the case for years to come.