I'm finding it really hard to get my thoughts in order today. There are so many emotions rolling around in my head and heart and I'm not sure how to express myself without sounding pathetic or insane.
Rosie is one today.
My eyes are filling with tears as I write that.
I know that this is our last baby. She was an accidental gift and I can't begin to explain how much she means to us. The thought of all that she's done in just this one year, this year of wonders, makes my head spin. Her little giggle, her fuzzy hair, her love of music, those blue eyes, the way she says The Princess' name, it's all that is cute and right about a baby turning one. These are tears of joy, tears of gratitude, tears that make my heart swell with pride.
I know that this is our last baby. The thought of having another child, being pregnant, more sleepless nights, sore nipples, teething, and mountains of nappies makes me want to run naked through the village screaming au secours at the top of my lungs. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm ready to move past the baby things and just go play with my children.
I'm crying again because as much as I really know that I'm done having babies, the thought that I will never be pregnant again, never nurse a baby again, never snuggle a little head under my chin and breathe in the smell of us again, breaks my heart. There is so much joy in those moments and for the last 8 years, it's what's filled me.
I look at Rosie and I cry because we didn't plan on this fourth round of joy. We didn't expect her but, my God, am I glad we have her. I look at Rosie chasing her brothers on her hands and knees, I look at The Princess already trying to find ways to style those wisps of fuzz, I look at Rosie and I know that we are complete.
It's true what they say about loving your children. You always have room in your heart for more. I like knowing that. But I also like watching these four fill up all the space they can in there.
Our baby's one today. Just as it should be.