Monday, June 8, 2009

My Least Favourite Thing to Do at 1am

I could feel the panic attack coming for the last couple of nights. Like an elephant wearing a pink frilly tutu, tip-toeing around a circus tent, I could see it. I knew it was there, waiting for the right moment to jump and twirl around me.

Of course, it did just that last night. There I sat in the semi-darkness nursing Whoops, thinking about Hubster's friend, Christine who was on the Air France flight, how insane the whole thing is, and voila. Off I go into the best panic attack about death that I've had in years.

Typically with my attacks, my head and heart ache with the questions and the tears, trying to understand, why all this? Surrounded in darkness, the depths of my questions seem endless. Not just what's happened to Christine during the accident, but where is SHE? What happens to that which makes us, us?

There I sit, tears streaming from my eyes, wondering why I have this intense love in my life if when die it just goes away to nothing. My Christian friends would tell me it doesn't. I want to believe that. But in the darkness, all I feel is lost, alone, and doomed.

I grabbed on to Hubster's arm so hard, I think I left a mark. I know he doesn't have the answers to all these scary questions, but he's here with me on this ridiculous adventure called life and the poor man sat there in the night, listening to me pour out all my fears.

"We're all going to die," he said. "And I have no idea what comes next. But just look at that little girl in your lap. You've got her and us now."

Cue more tears and a tighter grip, but he is right.

This morning, I feel like I actually said "hi" to that elephant. Better to acknowledge his presence than try to pretend he doesn't exist.

I don't like that pink tutu he's wearing and telling him that sure seems to have made me feel a wee bit better. Next time I see him lurking around, rather than hope he just disappears, I'm gonna invite him over and tell him what I think of his shoes as well.

So my large elephant friend...thanks for stopping by. But now, you'll forgive me. I've got things to do today. As the quote says, "get busy living, or get busy dying."

It may scare the crap outta me not knowing what happens next, but I love what I have going on right now. There is no question, I've made my choice.


magali said...

You are loved and have a great life, enjoy it as long as you can!
Love you !

Sue said...

I have a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson that sits by the computer. I read it several times a day...

To laugh often & much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

Makes me feel alive...

RHB said...

love you! praying for you.