I swear, it's bad enough having the "stray cat" syndrome (the one where people like Eleanor Rigby and her priest all come hang around because they know you'll at least talk to them) but having "psycho magnetic attraction" syndrome as well sucks.
I should have known I was bound for trouble when I saw the random man in the grocery store, puttering around the bread aisle without a trolley or shopping basket to be seen. He shouted and danced down the aisle away from me at that point, heading to points unknown. Me, in my naivety, thought I was safe.
There I was with Rosebud, trying to find some applesauce and Nutella (once again proof Nutella is bad for you) when he came rolling around the corner. He stopped sharply at our trolley and stared at Rosebud.
"It's a little girl, isn't it?" he asked me.
"Yes," I replied with a nervous smile plastered on my face.
"Can I give her a bisou?"
He wants to give her a bisou? This man I've never seen before in my life wants to be physically close enough to my daughter, my 7.5 month old daughter, to kiss her?
"I'd rather you didn't," I tell him.
"But, why? It's just a little bisou...."
At this point, enter panic and exit any capacity I have to speak French. I start going on about how I don't want him to give her a bisou, no. She was sick last week, she's better now, and I don't want someone I don't know giving her a bisou.
He tells me, but is she gonna die from a bisou? Is it fatal to give a bisou? How can you be like this? It's just a little affection? A bisou...
I tell him once again, sorry but no, I do not want him to kiss my baby.
He continues, "we're all going to die one day, why are you worried about a little bisou? She was sick? But who was that worse for? You or her? We're all going to get sick and die. Who is that worse for, her or you, maman?"
"ME! ME! It's worse for me! Now please. No bisous. Thank you very much and have a Happy New Year." (Why I wished him a Happy New Year, I haven't a freaking clue. )
I turned my back on him and pushed that little love of mine down the aisle, as far away from this man as I could get without breaking into a run and sprinting out of the store. I heard him shout from the next aisle over, "MERDE," and that was it. He was gone from my life as quickly as he entered it.
How that 5 minute conversation has completely razzled me since. One side of me is all mama bear, ready to take down anyone who I think might be the slightest risk to my little baby, bisous or no bisous. Who asks a random person in a grocery store if they can kiss your baby? GET AWAY FROM MY CHILD.
The other side of me wants to know why I can't just tell someone like him to fuck off and leave me alone. No, I wish him a Happy New Year.