Friday, February 11, 2011

About Him

It's been about a year since things started going off the rails for The Man and I. I wasn't really aware of it at the time, but last February, he was starting on that slippery slope into his own personal hell. I was too wrapped up in Rosie and the tribe to really notice just how bad things had gotten for him. Work stress, personal pressure to be someone he wasn't, and his own exigence on perfection was a cocktail for a seriously horrible hangover. Not to mention the fact that I really didn't like him most days didn't help. He was angry, yelling, blaming, distant, so I hid behind our kids. It was safer there for me. I knew who I was and what was needed of me. With him, I didn't.

It's easy with hindsight to see just how messed up our relationship had become and just how insane the two of us were in our own private thoughts. He became convinced I didn't love him (not surprising if you wife acts like she doesn't like you) and I became convinced that everything I did was wrong. We stopped communicating and just went into that lovely "parent-auto-pilot" thing. You know the one, where sure we talked about the kids, the house, what we need to do on Sunday, but never about what was really going on inside of both of us. 

I thought it was just a stage, we'd be fine. Once I got my head above water with the four kids, we'd breathe again. I knew that we'd had bad spots in our relationship before, but I didn't realize what was really happening this time. I didn't realize that The Man was at a point where he was unable to go on as he was. And so he didn't.

A year later and I actually think I know my husband more now than I have these last five years. Things that got swallowed up by us is our separate super-mommy/super-businessman roles are now moving back into focus. Still, every time I hit that "wall" in my head and I remember what happened to our marriage, I feel like I'm looking at a bad Woody Allen film with the two of us in his leading roles. How can I explain how odd it is to be able love him, fall asleep in his arms and then two hours later, I wake up in a cold sweat and want to punch his lights out?

Granted, these moments are less and less frequent because if the truth is told, something had to happen to our marriage. I don't like what did, but the clarity I have now I wouldn't trade for the world. Talk about irony.

In December, I turned 40 and I turned a page. I refuse to hide behind my mommyhood. I love these little people with all my heart and soul but one day, they will have other things to worry about then pestering me when I'm making dinner. I have my own life to live. And I want to do that with The Man.

Today, he turns 42 and I know he's turning a page. He knows now what he's missed, what he almost lost, what he's gained and what is important to him. And boy am I glad that I make that list. 

I only wish a world of happiness for him. That his next 42 years are ones where he can be exactly who he's wanted to be his whole life: someone good, someone honourable, and someone well loved. Anything else doesn't count for shit.

I tell you, my Man, I don't care what you do for a living or what our house looks like. I'm fine with feeding the kids pasta and peanut butter for the rest of their lives if it means you and I are good. I love you, Hubster. Even on the bad days.

Don't ever, ever, ever forget that.

5 comments:

kissmekaty said...

Well said! Beautiful and poignant!
xoxoxox

(But I'm still gonna punch him when I get there! ;p)

Diane said...

I got a little welled up with that one. Happy Birthday Hubster. we love you too and are glad you'll be sticking around.

hubster dave said...

What a post. I love my wife. Here's to the next 42 years... to be honest, I dont care if its in Whitefish or St Jean des Ollières or Lima or Chennai, as long as she's there with me, it's sure to be a rollercoaster!

Sue said...

The best thrills in life are roller coasters :-)! Flat rides are really boring. Hope the birthday was a great one!

Shelly said...

Your post is beautiful. I wish all couples going through trials, tragedy, etc. could read this. You give them hope, and you convey the freedom found in forgiveness.